Oh Come On!

How is it after 27 years I'm not used to this? After the birth of four wait no FIVE other children, and a grandchild for hell's sake, after funerals, weddings, fights....good god I've had a stroke and a heart "procedure"! After all of this my parents still have the maturity levels of a damn junior high student. That's not to say I don't love them, that they haven't helped me, and I know they've tried I suppose, and I can respect the fact they are my parents - that's it kid, you have to play what you're dealt. But mine have said the things parents aren't suppose to say. They are lacking in any emotional or substantial mental support, and thus when it come right down to it they are selfish. They want what is best for them. Sometimes its what is best for their children, but its because it will make them look good or relieve them in some way. When they do help (especially monetarily) it will NOT be forgotten, that will be made sure of. I don't regret it, and I in no way want it to be different. It made me who I am. I'm proud of who I am. If not I might be another baby hungry moron. Taking on responsibilities and lives that I am in no way capable of handling, and simply perpetuating a viscous cycle of sad individuals. Instead I've learned to acknowledge and take pride in my role in Lucy's life. That even in the idea of her there was planning and complete agreement between me and Sean.
All this said, if anyone were to say a foul word against either of my parents I would defend them. Because they are MY parents. Because I am a product of what the sum of parts they gave me. I just tired of making sure they feel ok. That I am there to support their needs. Its taxing. Lack of communication and at times down right ignorance of opinions and feelings will only led to separation.
I know, I know, HOLY angry rant Batman! right? Well I just got an email from my father wondering why things are so awkward between us. Wanna know why, cause the night Sean left for UT he picked a fight with me and said "it will be nice once you leave anyway." Right cause I'm sure you miss venting about......ugh, lets just say Team Cope helped him out a lot and I'm sure he said those things out of frustration and sadness of us being so far away, but four letter words and name calling still don't leave you with fuzzy feelings. Frankly I don't have TIME to put forth all the effort in keeping in touch and I was focused on that whole not dying thing, then recouping, working, raising a bitchin daughter (that doesn't come without work people), and you know establishing a life after moving back across the country. HE has my numbers and addresses. I got his from his package that he sent for Christmas.
It can bring me to tears. I don't think my folks are horrible people. I know that they do what they can. I'm just amazed because they were too young, I think, and it always just comes down to being my responsibility, my efforts, my fault. In the end, I just hope they are happy with the paths they've chosen, but I doubt it. Ever heard the song "Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie....well its their (especially my father) theme song. Funny how it all comes down to music huh....yeah I've got a theme song for just about everyone I know, places I've been, events in my life. You say dorky, I say my life has a soundtrack...jealous much!
Ok massive rant out, feeling better. Now when Sean gets home he won't have to hear me go off. Ugh, just once my parents will come through. My mother won't make an event about her and be all crazy. My dad won't treat me like an indentured servant or old college roomie. One day they will be there the way I need them to be. I just don't know when that will be and I won't be holding my breath. In the meantime, I will stay hopeful and allow them to be great grandparents to Lucy.